Bad Shark Doctor

In honor of Shark Week, I’ve replaced all characters in this sketch with sharks

[open on Dr. Sharc Beaman sitting behind his desk, talking on the phone]

Dr. Beaman: I’m sorry, you have the wrong number. No, there’s no “Shark” here. My name? It’s Sharc. No, I spell it with a C. Who put you up to this? What do you mean you’re my “wife”? Ok, if you’re my “wife”, what’s our catfish’s name? Mr. Stitches. Damn, you’re good! [hangs up]

[Nurse Jennifer enters]

Nurse Jennifer: Doctor? The Framinghams are here to see you.

Dr. Beaman: Oh, good. Send them right in.

Nurse Jennifer: By the way, can I get Tuesday off for a modeling job?

Dr. Beaman: Absolutely.

[Jennifer exits, as the Framinghams enter]

Dr. Beaman: Hi. Hello. Tom.

Kathy: Hello, Doctor!

Dr. Beaman: Very good to see you. Please, have a seat.

[The Framinghams sit]

Kathy: So, how is our baby?

Dr. Beaman: Well, I.. I don’t want to keep you in suspense here, so we’ll just get right into it. [phone rings] Hold on. [answers phone] Hello? Beverly! How the hell- what?! NO!! Old Chester? A remora? They’re beautiful! Yes! They’re gorgeous! Beautiful dorsal fin! Uh-huh! Yes! Why, I’ve got all the time in the world!

Tom: [clears throat]

Dr. Beaman: Ohhh. Actually, Beverly, I should go, one of my patients is being a real hammerhead.

Tom: Excuse me?

Dr. Beaman: Yeah! That was him. You know how it is, Beverly. [chuckles] Alright. What’s that? No. No, he doesn’t look like that – close, though! Hahahaha! [notices Tom is staring at him] He’s looking at me right now. His rough, scaly-skinned face… wide gills sucking in the salt water like a drowning human. You should see him. Between you and me, I’d like to punch his nose ’til my fin’s covered in brains.

Kathy: We can hear you!

Dr. Beaman: At least his wife’s got a big enough tail for a nice roll in the reef… Alright, Beverly! Goodbye, old friend! [hangs up] Sorry, I was just, uh, subscribing to some magazines.

Tom: No, you weren’t!

Dr. Beaman: Now, where were we? Oh, right. Your father… may never again have what we call a shark face.

Kathy: What?!

Tom: We’re here about our pup!

Dr. Beaman: Who are you people?!

Tom: The Framinghams! We gave birth to a baby shark a week ago! And you were supposed to give us test results!

Dr. Beaman: Are you Brian and Cheryl Framingham?

Kathy: No.

Dr. Beaman: [looking through files] Blowfish and Funk Framingham?

Tom: No! For cod’s sakes!

Dr. Beaman: Jennifer, get the F in here!!

[Nurse Jennifer enters]

Nurse Jennifer: Yes, Doctor?

Dr. Beaman: Who are these people?!!

Nurse Jennifer: They’re Tom and Kathy Framingham from Martha’s Vineyard. They have a pup – Shane.

Dr. Beaman: My God. Tom and Kathy! I-I feel like an idiot. Of course! Your son Shane! He’s fantastic! [Framinghams sigh] Now… quick phone call to Beverly, to get the details on this new remora, then I’ll give you the test results.

Tom: Now, we haven’t seen our son in a week! We want to know-

Dr. Beaman: You shut that mouth, Tom!

Tom: I will not!

Dr. Beaman: You will if you’re in my office!

Tom: I will not shut up!

Kathy: Tom! Please!

Dr. Beaman: And tell that big-eyed wife of yours to shut up, too!

Kathy: You are really being awful!

Dr. Beaman: Believe me, I know! But you’re all gunna need to shut up!! Are we clear on that? Good. Now, I’m going to tell you this quickly, and it’s probably going to sting a little bit. Your son’s a dolphin.

Tom: What?

Kathy: Oh my God, no!

Tom: This is ridiculous, there’s, there’s no way to determine.

Dr. Beaman: Yes, there is, yes there is. [shouts] Jennifer, please send in Dr. Poop! And, yes, laugh all you want at his last name, but he is the man who could very well save your son’s life.

[Dr. Poop enters Dr. Beaman’s office]

Dr. Poop: Tom, Kathy. I’m Dr. Stephen Poop. I’m sorry, there’s absolutely nothing I can do for your son. But, I can do The Fishing Pole. [does the fishing pole dance with Nurse Jennifer] That’ll be $5,000. Good day to you both. [exits office]

Tom: What the hell was that?

Dr. Beaman: Look, I couldn’t think of anything good… Uhhh… Truth is – we misplaced your pup.

Tom: [stunned, stutters] You.. vondruke!

Dr. Beaman: [making a curious face] Is that an actual curse word?

Tom: I think so… Listen, when did you misplace our pup?

Dr. Beaman: It was right after we delivered him. I, uh.. I went out to grab a bite to eat and I forgot I had him with me. Then I met some friends for a beer… uh, we went to a Phish concert… and son of a vondruke, if I didn’t leave him at the concert hall! Thank God they had him, the next day at Lost and Found. [sigh of relief from Tom] Then, I just flat out lost him!

Tom: [pulling himself together] Doc.. I’ve gotta tell ya – you have angered me with your irresponsibility! And yet, at the same time, you’re a straight shooter. And I can’t fault you for that. We’ll let it slide – but just this once!

Kathy: [outraged] Honey!

Tom: Now… [feeling horny] …let’s go start makin’ another one!

Kathy: [slowly rises from her seat] Ewww! You are totally grossing me out! [swims away from Tom] Oh, you’re being creepy!

[Tom chases Kathy out of the office]

Dr. Beaman: [sighing] Thank God… Whew… [starts to write on his papers, then stops] Yikes… [writes some more, stops again] That was rough! [props his tail fin on his desk]

[fade]

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