New National Anthem. Who Ya Got?

Talentless Hack
Talentless Hack

Happy Fourth of July to all the CreativeEqualcoholics (Trademark pending) out there. ’Tis the season for barbecues, fireworks, and berating your relatives at the family softball game (Sorry, grandma!). We do all this to celebrate the land that we love, the good ole U.S. of A.

As wonderful as all of that is, the best way to honor something great is to help it become even greater. To do this, we must address our homeland’s greatest failing. It’s embarrassing national anthem.

Yesterday, my casual acquaintance and colleague at CreativeEqual, Matt Flynn, wrote a lovely list of his favorite performances of the Star-Spangled Banner. They were great selections. Supremely talented singers performing clumsily paced gobbledegook (Excuse my language). Maybe if Francis Scott Key wasn’t so busy prosecuting abolitionists, he could have written a proper stanza.

To erase this national shame, I offer the following potential replacements as America’s anthem.

America, the Beautiful

I don’t understand how this isn’t our anthem. It is exactly what every anthem should be, a beautiful melody with some simple but powerful patriotism. The message is clear: “America is beautiful. Here are the beautiful things about America. The end.” Comparatively, FSK’s drivel about ramparts and twilight’s gleaming is as coherent as a Yoko Ono Q&A

God Bless America

A solid option. Again, simplicity is the key here. It’s called God Bless America; it asks God to bless America. Unfortunately, it loses points for its lack of braggadocio. Not one mention of America’s greatness. Also, it already essentially serves as a secondary anthem. We’d just be moving it from the 7th inning to the pre-game show.

America’s Funniest Home Videos Theme Song

Just try to listen to this masterpiece without cracking a smile. It brings you back to those Bob Saget classics where the studio audience voted on the winning video between Baby Makes Silly Face, Pet Reacts to Household Object, and Dad Gets Hit in Nuts with Wiffleball Bat. Pure Joy. I mean, would you rather live in a country with bombs bursting in air or a country that has laughs from coast to coast? Plus, this choice is already gaining traction in Indiana.

America, Fuck Yeah!

Fuck yeah, indeed. It’s what we’re all thinking during the national anthem, anyway.

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